My siblings and I are now coming face to face with our parents divorce and the aftermath that will continue for the rest of (all of) our lives. Dad is now in a relationship that has been going on for about 4 months. And while he has dated 2 or 3 other women since my parents got separated a little over 2 years ago, things have been different. I have an amazing relationship with my father - I can talk to him about practically anything. I know how he works, what doesn't work, and how to communicate effectively with him. This has almost always been the case for me, while on the other hand, the relationship that I have with my mother has hardly ever been that close. I don't even know her favorite color! What has been interesting to note is that since my parents separated, my Dad has been able to open up to me more. Maybe it's partly because we are cross country from each other and don't get to see each other much, or that I was already an adult when they moved to NC, or that I am his first baby girl or what. I don't know. But for once in my life, he has started to open up with me - ask for my advice or opinion, tell me information that a parent can tell their adult child, and better still - tell me that he is proud of me and the young woman I have become. he never did this four years ago! Our relationship is so close knit that it is just so easy to talk with him - and it's something I would never trade.
So, the dilema begins here. Dad has a beginning stage relationship with Janessa and Tamara. Part of the dilema is that the three of them are so similar, that they butt heads. Another part of the dilema is that the twins don't let him into their lives. And yet (at the age of 19), they can have quite a bit of veto power of Dad (at some times). Like I said above, Dad is in a new realtionship with a woman he really likes. In past conversations, he's told me that she's nice and funny and that I'd really like her. Last week, he asked me if i would be confortable meeting her when Chris and I fly out for Christmas. I told him "sure" - by then it would have been closer to 5 months of dating, and why not meet her? I only get to visit my family in NC once a year, so why not?
I don't know how Raquelle and McKinley are doing with this new adjustment - but I know that Janessa and Tamara are doing as well with it. They hardly go to see Dad and yet they had the audacity to refuse to meet the girlfriend until they had been dating for 6 months! They claimed that they didn't want to waste their time meeting all of his girlfriends. What they are really afraid of (and naturally, they aren't admitting to it) is that they don't want to get attached to a woman if she's not going to stick around; and if she will stick around, she could never replace our mother (nor would I think she would want to).
And while I am not nearly as neurotic as my twin sisters are about meeting the girlfriend, when I think about it, I really don't share much of the same opinions as they do. My situation is completely different. The fear that I have about it, is that some day I will have a stepmother that I don't know and I don't connect with. She will simply become my Father's Wife to me, which is tragic to me. When I talked to my roommate about this last night, she gave me a perspective that I hadn't really thought about before - and something that I can definitly share with Janessa and Tamara (if I need to). We (my siblings and I) need to think of Dad's needs right now - Mom has the kids, Dad doesn't. Mom lives in a crazy-filled house 24/7, Dad lives in an empty house. Mom gets th kids for most of the week, Dad gets them on weekends. How lonely of a life is that right now? People are social creatures - it's how God created us to be. That's why isolation is the worst punishment in correctional facilities - we are removed for other people and are left alone in solitary confonement. I don't want my Dad to live like that. I want him to be happy. I want him to learn and to grow. I know that I cannot fantasize my parents getting back together - that is simply not a part of reality.
So what is our reality? Whose to say? Our reality is not what it used to be. Holidays are never going to be the same. My family is never going to be the same. And this is our new reality. My Dad is dating - something that I have never seen him do in my entire life. He is embarking on a new journey and I cannot be selfish and wish it to all go away. He needs companionship. He needs friends. He needs to find happiness - not to say that he was never happy with my Mother, but given the circumstances, he needs to find someone else that makes him happy. Yes, it is a weird concept for a child of any age to grasp, but it is not about the child. It is about the parents as a person, an individual, and someone with needs. He should and needs to go for it.
We'll survive - I mean, we've survived so far, right? We'll be just fine, weirdness and all.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
it's been a while....
Sorry for the delay in writting something new. Singapore updates and stories will come soon. For now, there are things on my heart that I simply need to express, despite my lack of knowledge as to who reads this blog.
I feel like I have lost a friend, for the second time. It began years ago, it was shattered years ago, resurfaced and grew into something more genuine only to have it be shattered again. And the second shattering was all in hopes that the newly established friendship could be preserved. So the question that I have is simply this: What is our friendship based on? Yes, we were kids when we first met, but things in life change and people change. Our cores stay the same, but the people and situations around us can change and alter how we react to situations and influence the chages that occur from within us. The hardest part that I am experiencing is that I know that I should continue to love on this friend, which I will do, but it will still be hard. I never really could tell if the old wounds had completely healed before they were opened again. A scar will remain; and while I will try everything within my power to help heal those wounds, which will not be easy, but quite necessary.
If, by chance, this friend is reading this, I love you and I always will. Clearly God has some purpose of bringing you into my life, not just once, but twice - once as kids, and once as adults. I have no idea what His plan is for our friendship, but I will always be there for you. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a friendly face to smile back at you. For now, that's all I can do and hopefully, with time, more will come. I love you, my friend, and I simply want the best for you.
I feel like I have lost a friend, for the second time. It began years ago, it was shattered years ago, resurfaced and grew into something more genuine only to have it be shattered again. And the second shattering was all in hopes that the newly established friendship could be preserved. So the question that I have is simply this: What is our friendship based on? Yes, we were kids when we first met, but things in life change and people change. Our cores stay the same, but the people and situations around us can change and alter how we react to situations and influence the chages that occur from within us. The hardest part that I am experiencing is that I know that I should continue to love on this friend, which I will do, but it will still be hard. I never really could tell if the old wounds had completely healed before they were opened again. A scar will remain; and while I will try everything within my power to help heal those wounds, which will not be easy, but quite necessary.
If, by chance, this friend is reading this, I love you and I always will. Clearly God has some purpose of bringing you into my life, not just once, but twice - once as kids, and once as adults. I have no idea what His plan is for our friendship, but I will always be there for you. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a friendly face to smile back at you. For now, that's all I can do and hopefully, with time, more will come. I love you, my friend, and I simply want the best for you.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Good gravy - we leave for the airport in 21 hours...
So the past few days have been very busy indeed. I did not think that this internship would require so much out of me, let's just say. I have put soooo much work into this trip and while I am incredibly excited that we are leaving tomorrow, I also realize just how much responsibility I have - I mean, I am partly in charge of 8 other people OVERSEAS! Granted, they are all over the age of 18, but still. Brett and I are the only ones that have been on a mission trip before, out of all 9of us. Oh my goodness.
I am kind of nervous about school - since I am interning for the church, and technically taking the "internship class," our final papers are due on the 8th of August - and I am still in Singapore then. I sent an e-mail to my professor a month ago, asking for an extension on the paper, and I STILL have not received a response. So, I just e-mailed her again, along with one of my favorite professors, BJ, who is a major aspect of the department, stating that since I did not receive a response in a month, that I will turn in my paper late and will be needing an extension. I told her that since I did not hear back from her, I assumed that it would be Ok, especially since we will be overseas FOR the intrnship, for heaven's sake. Please be praying that things work out with the internship and San Jose State...even if, for some reason, SJSU does not count this current summer and the internship I am currently working for and in, I will still be able to walk this May, although they might require me to re-do my internship; and in which case, I will fight tooth and nail to keep it. SJSU admissions sucks....seriously.
Please be praying for our team - Alexandria, Caitlyn, Carissa, Brett, Gircelda, Joey, Chris, Danny, and myself, and we open up doors to future missions in Asia. By the way, check out my Singapore GO Team link to our blog that we will be trying to update regularly. Enjoy it!
God, I pray that you keep us safe as we travel. I pray that you open our eyes and our hearts to what you have to teach us. I pray that we can be living personifications of your love and grace while in Singapore and Malaysia. I pray that you use us, in whatever way, to Your glory, Father. And God, I pray that you remind us of your faithfulness and love daily while serving others in Your name. Amen.
I am kind of nervous about school - since I am interning for the church, and technically taking the "internship class," our final papers are due on the 8th of August - and I am still in Singapore then. I sent an e-mail to my professor a month ago, asking for an extension on the paper, and I STILL have not received a response. So, I just e-mailed her again, along with one of my favorite professors, BJ, who is a major aspect of the department, stating that since I did not receive a response in a month, that I will turn in my paper late and will be needing an extension. I told her that since I did not hear back from her, I assumed that it would be Ok, especially since we will be overseas FOR the intrnship, for heaven's sake. Please be praying that things work out with the internship and San Jose State...even if, for some reason, SJSU does not count this current summer and the internship I am currently working for and in, I will still be able to walk this May, although they might require me to re-do my internship; and in which case, I will fight tooth and nail to keep it. SJSU admissions sucks....seriously.
Please be praying for our team - Alexandria, Caitlyn, Carissa, Brett, Gircelda, Joey, Chris, Danny, and myself, and we open up doors to future missions in Asia. By the way, check out my Singapore GO Team link to our blog that we will be trying to update regularly. Enjoy it!
God, I pray that you keep us safe as we travel. I pray that you open our eyes and our hearts to what you have to teach us. I pray that we can be living personifications of your love and grace while in Singapore and Malaysia. I pray that you use us, in whatever way, to Your glory, Father. And God, I pray that you remind us of your faithfulness and love daily while serving others in Your name. Amen.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
3 MORE DAYS!
I officially have three more days until we leave for Singapore! I hve SO many praises right now! One of them is finances for the trip. A month ago, we still needed $4,000+ left as a team to raise. So, we got our butts in gear, had a car wash and raised $600, teamed up with Haley Montgomery and Andy Gridley for a promotional/benefit concert and received a little over $200, worked a marathon and was given $250, and had continual donations still coming into the church office for us. Unfortanately, Akalina was having too many issues with her passport and two weeks ago, her father was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his espohogus; he needs to go through surgery, radiation, and chemo. Please pray for his strength to fight this battle, and for it to be exterminated from his body. With that, our financial need dropped. Chris was just given a $1250 donation from his old church "The Journey" and we are simply floored! We now have a balance of $25.75 as a team, and even that is going to be covered! God is amazing and the ways that He works things out are mind-boggling and simply amazing!
I've had family - Raquelle, Janessa, Tamara, McKinley, and Mom here in Cali over the past 1 1/2 weeks. It hasn't been all bad - it's interesting to see how we have all changed. Raquelle is almost my height, McKinley is almost her height and the three of us all have the same sized feet.....Mickey is about 4 1/2 feet tall! Woa! Raquelle is a typical 14-year-old, Janessa and Tamara have definitly matured more since I last saw them, which is awesome to see the progress they have been making over the past few years. Mom is defintly more mellow of a Mom than when I was a child, but it's nice to have a different relationship with her. It's kind of estranged and apparently "mature" but it works, I guess. What interesting to note is that since the move to NC, my Dad has become more and more affectionate and my Mom has stayed the same. It's difficult for her to tell me that she loves me or that she misses me, or that she's proud of me. Usually, the only way to get her to tell her that she loves you is if you say it first and she responds with "I love you too, honey." SOmetimes, I wish she was more open with her emotions....ironic, huh?
I am over 2/3 way packed...all in 2 hours, while my brother has been sleeping right next to me and my packing. He's over, spending the night - crazy little 8-almost-9year-old! I picked him up from my Mom and Grandma, I got some Singapore work done whie he watched The Incredibles, we ate dinner, went for a walk and picked wild blackberries, came back home, he got ready for bed, I turned on my soothing mix of bedtime songs, and he fell asleep within 10 minutes! Yea! Tomorrow (technically today....), we are making a big breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, blackberries, and cinnamon rolls. Then, we are making our lunches and heading up to EA in Redwood City and taking McKinley on a tour of the company. McKinley even prepared a surprise for Chris - it's cute!
Please continue to pray for the team as we prep to leave and are in the field from July 31-August 10. Love you guys!
I've had family - Raquelle, Janessa, Tamara, McKinley, and Mom here in Cali over the past 1 1/2 weeks. It hasn't been all bad - it's interesting to see how we have all changed. Raquelle is almost my height, McKinley is almost her height and the three of us all have the same sized feet.....Mickey is about 4 1/2 feet tall! Woa! Raquelle is a typical 14-year-old, Janessa and Tamara have definitly matured more since I last saw them, which is awesome to see the progress they have been making over the past few years. Mom is defintly more mellow of a Mom than when I was a child, but it's nice to have a different relationship with her. It's kind of estranged and apparently "mature" but it works, I guess. What interesting to note is that since the move to NC, my Dad has become more and more affectionate and my Mom has stayed the same. It's difficult for her to tell me that she loves me or that she misses me, or that she's proud of me. Usually, the only way to get her to tell her that she loves you is if you say it first and she responds with "I love you too, honey." SOmetimes, I wish she was more open with her emotions....ironic, huh?
I am over 2/3 way packed...all in 2 hours, while my brother has been sleeping right next to me and my packing. He's over, spending the night - crazy little 8-almost-9year-old! I picked him up from my Mom and Grandma, I got some Singapore work done whie he watched The Incredibles, we ate dinner, went for a walk and picked wild blackberries, came back home, he got ready for bed, I turned on my soothing mix of bedtime songs, and he fell asleep within 10 minutes! Yea! Tomorrow (technically today....), we are making a big breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, blackberries, and cinnamon rolls. Then, we are making our lunches and heading up to EA in Redwood City and taking McKinley on a tour of the company. McKinley even prepared a surprise for Chris - it's cute!
Please continue to pray for the team as we prep to leave and are in the field from July 31-August 10. Love you guys!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Terry, fears, Singapore, prayers - life right now
Terry's memorial service was on Sunday. I cried like a baby. I can't imagine how the McElhatton family is holding up. I can't imagine loosing my Dad right now. And what makes it worse is that I am in charge of his estate when he passes (hopefully it won't be for a LONG time). I can't fathom loosing my Dad - it's such a foreign and unwanted concept to me.
And this kind of ties back to my fear of separation - I fear being separated emotionally and physically from the poeople that I love. Going through my family moving to NC and me staying in Cali was a huge separation for me. I was 18 and on my own - financially, apart from my family that I had lived with my entire life, and experiencing life in a total new fashion that, believe you me, took a little bit of time to get used to. I remember crying myself to sleep for the first 6 months after the move. It was painful. And while other family members (like my crazy great-aunt) were convinced that my family had "abandoned" me, I knew that it was a choice that had made for myself and to a certain degree, I was okay with that fact.
This is not to say that I have to have all of my loved ones surrounding me 24/7 - God knows I would go crazy within a week! I have no idea what I am trying to say....I guess what I am trying to get at is the the fear is simply that - a fear. I know that I can experience separation - I am at the point where I have been there, done that, and will continue facing that. What I need to keep remembering is that no matter who comes and goes in my life, I have God as my one constant and He's all I really need.
Regarding Singapore, we leave in 16 days! Oh my goodness! I am SO excited! This is the first mission trip I will lead and while I may not be perfect for the role, I have faith that things will work out. I pray that we can effectively help our missionaries in Singapore and that God can use us in amazing ways to expand His kingdom. We have a little over $3,000 to raise for the entire team and finances are still pouring in. Please continue to pray for our team - for finances, passports, bonding, and an impact to be made when we take off.
Please continue to pray for Akalina - this summer has been difficult for her and has some decisions to make in the next few days. Also, her dad, John was just diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his esophogus. He is going through blood tests and CAT scans to make sure it did not spread to other parts of his body. Soon, he will go under the knife to get the tumor removed and then start chemo. Please pray for John, his healing, and for strength to battle this cancer.
My sisters, brother, and Mom are flying out for the next two weeks! Janessa and Tamara arrive Thursday morning in an ungodly hour of the morning and everyone else flies in 6 days later. I can't wait to see them! It will have been almost 8 months since I have last seen them and apparently McKinley has grown even more. Oh my goodness - that kid grows faster than a weed! Things should be fun with Chris meeting my family for the first time and although he keeps in touch with Tamara over Facebook Chat, it'll be a nex experience to meet her face-to-face. And while I am a bit nervous about it, I am super excited at the same time! This next 16 days until Singapore will be crazy - and then there's another 10 days of Singapore to work with - here's to the next 26 days of craziness!
And this kind of ties back to my fear of separation - I fear being separated emotionally and physically from the poeople that I love. Going through my family moving to NC and me staying in Cali was a huge separation for me. I was 18 and on my own - financially, apart from my family that I had lived with my entire life, and experiencing life in a total new fashion that, believe you me, took a little bit of time to get used to. I remember crying myself to sleep for the first 6 months after the move. It was painful. And while other family members (like my crazy great-aunt) were convinced that my family had "abandoned" me, I knew that it was a choice that had made for myself and to a certain degree, I was okay with that fact.
This is not to say that I have to have all of my loved ones surrounding me 24/7 - God knows I would go crazy within a week! I have no idea what I am trying to say....I guess what I am trying to get at is the the fear is simply that - a fear. I know that I can experience separation - I am at the point where I have been there, done that, and will continue facing that. What I need to keep remembering is that no matter who comes and goes in my life, I have God as my one constant and He's all I really need.
Regarding Singapore, we leave in 16 days! Oh my goodness! I am SO excited! This is the first mission trip I will lead and while I may not be perfect for the role, I have faith that things will work out. I pray that we can effectively help our missionaries in Singapore and that God can use us in amazing ways to expand His kingdom. We have a little over $3,000 to raise for the entire team and finances are still pouring in. Please continue to pray for our team - for finances, passports, bonding, and an impact to be made when we take off.
Please continue to pray for Akalina - this summer has been difficult for her and has some decisions to make in the next few days. Also, her dad, John was just diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his esophogus. He is going through blood tests and CAT scans to make sure it did not spread to other parts of his body. Soon, he will go under the knife to get the tumor removed and then start chemo. Please pray for John, his healing, and for strength to battle this cancer.
My sisters, brother, and Mom are flying out for the next two weeks! Janessa and Tamara arrive Thursday morning in an ungodly hour of the morning and everyone else flies in 6 days later. I can't wait to see them! It will have been almost 8 months since I have last seen them and apparently McKinley has grown even more. Oh my goodness - that kid grows faster than a weed! Things should be fun with Chris meeting my family for the first time and although he keeps in touch with Tamara over Facebook Chat, it'll be a nex experience to meet her face-to-face. And while I am a bit nervous about it, I am super excited at the same time! This next 16 days until Singapore will be crazy - and then there's another 10 days of Singapore to work with - here's to the next 26 days of craziness!
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