life lessons put into perspective

My siblings and I are now coming face to face with our parents divorce and the aftermath that will continue for the rest of (all of) our lives. Dad is now in a relationship that has been going on for about 4 months. And while he has dated 2 or 3 other women since my parents got separated a little over 2 years ago, things have been different. I have an amazing relationship with my father - I can talk to him about practically anything. I know how he works, what doesn't work, and how to communicate effectively with him. This has almost always been the case for me, while on the other hand, the relationship that I have with my mother has hardly ever been that close. I don't even know her favorite color! What has been interesting to note is that since my parents separated, my Dad has been able to open up to me more. Maybe it's partly because we are cross country from each other and don't get to see each other much, or that I was already an adult when they moved to NC, or that I am his first baby girl or what. I don't know. But for once in my life, he has started to open up with me - ask for my advice or opinion, tell me information that a parent can tell their adult child, and better still - tell me that he is proud of me and the young woman I have become. he never did this four years ago! Our relationship is so close knit that it is just so easy to talk with him - and it's something I would never trade.

So, the dilema begins here. Dad has a beginning stage relationship with Janessa and Tamara. Part of the dilema is that the three of them are so similar, that they butt heads. Another part of the dilema is that the twins don't let him into their lives. And yet (at the age of 19), they can have quite a bit of veto power of Dad (at some times). Like I said above, Dad is in a new realtionship with a woman he really likes. In past conversations, he's told me that she's nice and funny and that I'd really like her. Last week, he asked me if i would be confortable meeting her when Chris and I fly out for Christmas. I told him "sure" - by then it would have been closer to 5 months of dating, and why not meet her? I only get to visit my family in NC once a year, so why not?

I don't know how Raquelle and McKinley are doing with this new adjustment - but I know that Janessa and Tamara are doing as well with it. They hardly go to see Dad and yet they had the audacity to refuse to meet the girlfriend until they had been dating for 6 months! They claimed that they didn't want to waste their time meeting all of his girlfriends. What they are really afraid of (and naturally, they aren't admitting to it) is that they don't want to get attached to a woman if she's not going to stick around; and if she will stick around, she could never replace our mother (nor would I think she would want to).

And while I am not nearly as neurotic as my twin sisters are about meeting the girlfriend, when I think about it, I really don't share much of the same opinions as they do. My situation is completely different. The fear that I have about it, is that some day I will have a stepmother that I don't know and I don't connect with. She will simply become my Father's Wife to me, which is tragic to me. When I talked to my roommate about this last night, she gave me a perspective that I hadn't really thought about before - and something that I can definitly share with Janessa and Tamara (if I need to). We (my siblings and I) need to think of Dad's needs right now - Mom has the kids, Dad doesn't. Mom lives in a crazy-filled house 24/7, Dad lives in an empty house. Mom gets th kids for most of the week, Dad gets them on weekends. How lonely of a life is that right now? People are social creatures - it's how God created us to be. That's why isolation is the worst punishment in correctional facilities - we are removed for other people and are left alone in solitary confonement. I don't want my Dad to live like that. I want him to be happy. I want him to learn and to grow. I know that I cannot fantasize my parents getting back together - that is simply not a part of reality.

So what is our reality? Whose to say? Our reality is not what it used to be. Holidays are never going to be the same. My family is never going to be the same. And this is our new reality. My Dad is dating - something that I have never seen him do in my entire life. He is embarking on a new journey and I cannot be selfish and wish it to all go away. He needs companionship. He needs friends. He needs to find happiness - not to say that he was never happy with my Mother, but given the circumstances, he needs to find someone else that makes him happy. Yes, it is a weird concept for a child of any age to grasp, but it is not about the child. It is about the parents as a person, an individual, and someone with needs. He should and needs to go for it.

We'll survive - I mean, we've survived so far, right? We'll be just fine, weirdness and all.