life lessons put into perspective

My siblings and I are now coming face to face with our parents divorce and the aftermath that will continue for the rest of (all of) our lives. Dad is now in a relationship that has been going on for about 4 months. And while he has dated 2 or 3 other women since my parents got separated a little over 2 years ago, things have been different. I have an amazing relationship with my father - I can talk to him about practically anything. I know how he works, what doesn't work, and how to communicate effectively with him. This has almost always been the case for me, while on the other hand, the relationship that I have with my mother has hardly ever been that close. I don't even know her favorite color! What has been interesting to note is that since my parents separated, my Dad has been able to open up to me more. Maybe it's partly because we are cross country from each other and don't get to see each other much, or that I was already an adult when they moved to NC, or that I am his first baby girl or what. I don't know. But for once in my life, he has started to open up with me - ask for my advice or opinion, tell me information that a parent can tell their adult child, and better still - tell me that he is proud of me and the young woman I have become. he never did this four years ago! Our relationship is so close knit that it is just so easy to talk with him - and it's something I would never trade.

So, the dilema begins here. Dad has a beginning stage relationship with Janessa and Tamara. Part of the dilema is that the three of them are so similar, that they butt heads. Another part of the dilema is that the twins don't let him into their lives. And yet (at the age of 19), they can have quite a bit of veto power of Dad (at some times). Like I said above, Dad is in a new realtionship with a woman he really likes. In past conversations, he's told me that she's nice and funny and that I'd really like her. Last week, he asked me if i would be confortable meeting her when Chris and I fly out for Christmas. I told him "sure" - by then it would have been closer to 5 months of dating, and why not meet her? I only get to visit my family in NC once a year, so why not?

I don't know how Raquelle and McKinley are doing with this new adjustment - but I know that Janessa and Tamara are doing as well with it. They hardly go to see Dad and yet they had the audacity to refuse to meet the girlfriend until they had been dating for 6 months! They claimed that they didn't want to waste their time meeting all of his girlfriends. What they are really afraid of (and naturally, they aren't admitting to it) is that they don't want to get attached to a woman if she's not going to stick around; and if she will stick around, she could never replace our mother (nor would I think she would want to).

And while I am not nearly as neurotic as my twin sisters are about meeting the girlfriend, when I think about it, I really don't share much of the same opinions as they do. My situation is completely different. The fear that I have about it, is that some day I will have a stepmother that I don't know and I don't connect with. She will simply become my Father's Wife to me, which is tragic to me. When I talked to my roommate about this last night, she gave me a perspective that I hadn't really thought about before - and something that I can definitly share with Janessa and Tamara (if I need to). We (my siblings and I) need to think of Dad's needs right now - Mom has the kids, Dad doesn't. Mom lives in a crazy-filled house 24/7, Dad lives in an empty house. Mom gets th kids for most of the week, Dad gets them on weekends. How lonely of a life is that right now? People are social creatures - it's how God created us to be. That's why isolation is the worst punishment in correctional facilities - we are removed for other people and are left alone in solitary confonement. I don't want my Dad to live like that. I want him to be happy. I want him to learn and to grow. I know that I cannot fantasize my parents getting back together - that is simply not a part of reality.

So what is our reality? Whose to say? Our reality is not what it used to be. Holidays are never going to be the same. My family is never going to be the same. And this is our new reality. My Dad is dating - something that I have never seen him do in my entire life. He is embarking on a new journey and I cannot be selfish and wish it to all go away. He needs companionship. He needs friends. He needs to find happiness - not to say that he was never happy with my Mother, but given the circumstances, he needs to find someone else that makes him happy. Yes, it is a weird concept for a child of any age to grasp, but it is not about the child. It is about the parents as a person, an individual, and someone with needs. He should and needs to go for it.

We'll survive - I mean, we've survived so far, right? We'll be just fine, weirdness and all.

it's been a while....

Sorry for the delay in writting something new. Singapore updates and stories will come soon. For now, there are things on my heart that I simply need to express, despite my lack of knowledge as to who reads this blog.

I feel like I have lost a friend, for the second time. It began years ago, it was shattered years ago, resurfaced and grew into something more genuine only to have it be shattered again. And the second shattering was all in hopes that the newly established friendship could be preserved. So the question that I have is simply this: What is our friendship based on? Yes, we were kids when we first met, but things in life change and people change. Our cores stay the same, but the people and situations around us can change and alter how we react to situations and influence the chages that occur from within us. The hardest part that I am experiencing is that I know that I should continue to love on this friend, which I will do, but it will still be hard. I never really could tell if the old wounds had completely healed before they were opened again. A scar will remain; and while I will try everything within my power to help heal those wounds, which will not be easy, but quite necessary.

If, by chance, this friend is reading this, I love you and I always will. Clearly God has some purpose of bringing you into my life, not just once, but twice - once as kids, and once as adults. I have no idea what His plan is for our friendship, but I will always be there for you. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a friendly face to smile back at you. For now, that's all I can do and hopefully, with time, more will come. I love you, my friend, and I simply want the best for you.

Good gravy - we leave for the airport in 21 hours...

So the past few days have been very busy indeed. I did not think that this internship would require so much out of me, let's just say. I have put soooo much work into this trip and while I am incredibly excited that we are leaving tomorrow, I also realize just how much responsibility I have - I mean, I am partly in charge of 8 other people OVERSEAS! Granted, they are all over the age of 18, but still. Brett and I are the only ones that have been on a mission trip before, out of all 9of us. Oh my goodness.

I am kind of nervous about school - since I am interning for the church, and technically taking the "internship class," our final papers are due on the 8th of August - and I am still in Singapore then. I sent an e-mail to my professor a month ago, asking for an extension on the paper, and I STILL have not received a response. So, I just e-mailed her again, along with one of my favorite professors, BJ, who is a major aspect of the department, stating that since I did not receive a response in a month, that I will turn in my paper late and will be needing an extension. I told her that since I did not hear back from her, I assumed that it would be Ok, especially since we will be overseas FOR the intrnship, for heaven's sake. Please be praying that things work out with the internship and San Jose State...even if, for some reason, SJSU does not count this current summer and the internship I am currently working for and in, I will still be able to walk this May, although they might require me to re-do my internship; and in which case, I will fight tooth and nail to keep it. SJSU admissions sucks....seriously.

Please be praying for our team - Alexandria, Caitlyn, Carissa, Brett, Gircelda, Joey, Chris, Danny, and myself, and we open up doors to future missions in Asia. By the way, check out my Singapore GO Team link to our blog that we will be trying to update regularly. Enjoy it!

God, I pray that you keep us safe as we travel. I pray that you open our eyes and our hearts to what you have to teach us. I pray that we can be living personifications of your love and grace while in Singapore and Malaysia. I pray that you use us, in whatever way, to Your glory, Father. And God, I pray that you remind us of your faithfulness and love daily while serving others in Your name. Amen.

3 MORE DAYS!

I officially have three more days until we leave for Singapore! I hve SO many praises right now! One of them is finances for the trip. A month ago, we still needed $4,000+ left as a team to raise. So, we got our butts in gear, had a car wash and raised $600, teamed up with Haley Montgomery and Andy Gridley for a promotional/benefit concert and received a little over $200, worked a marathon and was given $250, and had continual donations still coming into the church office for us. Unfortanately, Akalina was having too many issues with her passport and two weeks ago, her father was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his espohogus; he needs to go through surgery, radiation, and chemo. Please pray for his strength to fight this battle, and for it to be exterminated from his body. With that, our financial need dropped. Chris was just given a $1250 donation from his old church "The Journey" and we are simply floored! We now have a balance of $25.75 as a team, and even that is going to be covered! God is amazing and the ways that He works things out are mind-boggling and simply amazing!

I've had family - Raquelle, Janessa, Tamara, McKinley, and Mom here in Cali over the past 1 1/2 weeks. It hasn't been all bad - it's interesting to see how we have all changed. Raquelle is almost my height, McKinley is almost her height and the three of us all have the same sized feet.....Mickey is about 4 1/2 feet tall! Woa! Raquelle is a typical 14-year-old, Janessa and Tamara have definitly matured more since I last saw them, which is awesome to see the progress they have been making over the past few years. Mom is defintly more mellow of a Mom than when I was a child, but it's nice to have a different relationship with her. It's kind of estranged and apparently "mature" but it works, I guess. What interesting to note is that since the move to NC, my Dad has become more and more affectionate and my Mom has stayed the same. It's difficult for her to tell me that she loves me or that she misses me, or that she's proud of me. Usually, the only way to get her to tell her that she loves you is if you say it first and she responds with "I love you too, honey." SOmetimes, I wish she was more open with her emotions....ironic, huh?

I am over 2/3 way packed...all in 2 hours, while my brother has been sleeping right next to me and my packing. He's over, spending the night - crazy little 8-almost-9year-old! I picked him up from my Mom and Grandma, I got some Singapore work done whie he watched The Incredibles, we ate dinner, went for a walk and picked wild blackberries, came back home, he got ready for bed, I turned on my soothing mix of bedtime songs, and he fell asleep within 10 minutes! Yea! Tomorrow (technically today....), we are making a big breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, blackberries, and cinnamon rolls. Then, we are making our lunches and heading up to EA in Redwood City and taking McKinley on a tour of the company. McKinley even prepared a surprise for Chris - it's cute!

Please continue to pray for the team as we prep to leave and are in the field from July 31-August 10. Love you guys!

Terry, fears, Singapore, prayers - life right now

Terry's memorial service was on Sunday. I cried like a baby. I can't imagine how the McElhatton family is holding up. I can't imagine loosing my Dad right now. And what makes it worse is that I am in charge of his estate when he passes (hopefully it won't be for a LONG time). I can't fathom loosing my Dad - it's such a foreign and unwanted concept to me.

And this kind of ties back to my fear of separation - I fear being separated emotionally and physically from the poeople that I love. Going through my family moving to NC and me staying in Cali was a huge separation for me. I was 18 and on my own - financially, apart from my family that I had lived with my entire life, and experiencing life in a total new fashion that, believe you me, took a little bit of time to get used to. I remember crying myself to sleep for the first 6 months after the move. It was painful. And while other family members (like my crazy great-aunt) were convinced that my family had "abandoned" me, I knew that it was a choice that had made for myself and to a certain degree, I was okay with that fact.

This is not to say that I have to have all of my loved ones surrounding me 24/7 - God knows I would go crazy within a week! I have no idea what I am trying to say....I guess what I am trying to get at is the the fear is simply that - a fear. I know that I can experience separation - I am at the point where I have been there, done that, and will continue facing that. What I need to keep remembering is that no matter who comes and goes in my life, I have God as my one constant and He's all I really need.

Regarding Singapore, we leave in 16 days! Oh my goodness! I am SO excited! This is the first mission trip I will lead and while I may not be perfect for the role, I have faith that things will work out. I pray that we can effectively help our missionaries in Singapore and that God can use us in amazing ways to expand His kingdom. We have a little over $3,000 to raise for the entire team and finances are still pouring in. Please continue to pray for our team - for finances, passports, bonding, and an impact to be made when we take off.

Please continue to pray for Akalina - this summer has been difficult for her and has some decisions to make in the next few days. Also, her dad, John was just diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in his esophogus. He is going through blood tests and CAT scans to make sure it did not spread to other parts of his body. Soon, he will go under the knife to get the tumor removed and then start chemo. Please pray for John, his healing, and for strength to battle this cancer.

My sisters, brother, and Mom are flying out for the next two weeks! Janessa and Tamara arrive Thursday morning in an ungodly hour of the morning and everyone else flies in 6 days later. I can't wait to see them! It will have been almost 8 months since I have last seen them and apparently McKinley has grown even more. Oh my goodness - that kid grows faster than a weed! Things should be fun with Chris meeting my family for the first time and although he keeps in touch with Tamara over Facebook Chat, it'll be a nex experience to meet her face-to-face. And while I am a bit nervous about it, I am super excited at the same time! This next 16 days until Singapore will be crazy - and then there's another 10 days of Singapore to work with - here's to the next 26 days of craziness!

Spiritual Warfare, Fears, and Such

Right now, I am loving this whole blogging-website. I am finding it very useful to inform you of things have have recently happened. One of which is on spiritual warfare.

Yesterday, for the 4th of July, Chris and I went to Tracy to visit his high school youth pastor Harley, his wife Abbey, and their 10 month-old daughter Grace. The trip was nice and relaxing and I got to play with little Gracie quite a bit (she's sooooo cute). And since Abbey's parents were in town at the same time, they got the guest bedroom, which left Chris and I in the living room. I was given the couch to sleep on and Chris took the floor. Everything was fine until I fell into a deep sleep and ended up having the biggest nightmare of my life. Since I did not have a pen and paper handy right after I woke up, I can recall the main parts as I type this out - here it goes.

Chris and I were searching for a new church to attend - you now, just testing the waters out. We arrived at this one church that resembled the little chapel in Disney's Robin Hood (the animated movie). Since it was small and cute, and I tend to gravitate towards both those features, we went inside. Inside the church, the small congregation was nice and courteous and welcomed us with open arms. We decided to stay at that church and get connected. None of our other friends and family were there, it was just us that found the church and decided to attend it. There was a little town connected to the church and it was enclosed by an old concerte wall that was approximately 4.5 - 5 feet tall. There were nice houses and a grocery store and everything else that we would need within those walls. Part of the church's beliefs were that we all needed to live together - that we would be mocked by outsiders and that in order to stay strong in the faith, we needed to stay among believers. AND once we set up home within the concrete walls, we were to stay there, in order to stay safe. At the time, all of this made sense. As more time went on, I realized that the church was brainwashing us into believing certain things. I fought as hard as I could to not fall into their trap. They would pin me to the ground and try to torture me, trying to get me to understand and believe what they were telling me was the truth. Again and again, I fought back. Chris came up to me and told me that he remembered that he was given three weeks of vacation from work, and that he didn't want me to accompany him, instead, some other girl whose name I can't remember would be. He then added that he wanted to break up.

I remember not saying anything after that, turning around, and running away with my face burried in my hands and sobbing. But, I had to keep it together. The other townspeople were very concerned with other people's business and "keeping each other accountable" so they said. I got a note passed to me on a post-it note saying that "You don't need him anyway." I hadn't even told anyone and nobody was there when it happened, either! Creepy! And I never saw Chris again.

That's when I found Andrew Hartman within the concrete walls. He said that he had also joined the church and then asked me how I was doing. I told him I was fine. He looked me straight in the eyes and told me that Chris had told him everything and that I can take my walls down. I started to sob again. And Andrew whisped in my ear about there being a way out of the "village" and that Brett Best was there waiting for us on the other side. At this point I noticed other people around us and I motioned to Andrew to keep things quiet. A few minutes later, another post-it note arrived at my door. Someone was listening to our conversation fairly close and was able to pick up the words Brett - waiting - other side, which were noted on the post-it and it also contained a message stating that they knew what the plans were and they wouldn't let me go. I felt so incredibly alone and helpless and hopeless. I was surrounded by fear, and fear was starting to get the best of me.

The next thing I remember is sitting nex to our "priest" on a concrete bench; he held a "Bible" in his hands and was trying to "cast the deamons out" of me while at the same time, trying to hypnotize me that when my children (apparently I had some, who knows?) are disobeying me, they deserved to die. Again, I started to fight him and sobbed the entire time. Andrew was then led down a path that led to myself and the "pastor". He was bound by rope and the priest then told me that if I wanted Andrew to live, then I would have to profess his doctorine as truth. I told him no and the pastor then lit a match and held it to Andrew's face and I saw him slowly burn in the flames.

I woke up from this sobbing. After a few minutes of non-stop tears flowing down my cheeks, I stopped and realized that there was no way that my mind could have imagined all of that. It was so real to me! In my dream, I was living my worst fear - separation. In my dream, I was separated from my friends, my family, my church, my boyfriend, my real home, and they were trying to separate me from my faith, my (future???) children, my one friend, everything. And I started to panic. But the one thing that they could not take away from me was my God and my faith. It's what got me through the nightmare and back to "reality." I started to pray, over and over again for God to remind me that I am not alone, that I am not separated from the one thing in this world that matters the most - Him. I got up to the bathrom to wipe my tears away and I got back into my sleeping bag. I was still shook up from the nightmare, and was crying a bit. AND THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME - EVER! I have never been so shaken by a dream before. I looked down and Chris was asleep 3 feet away from me. I knew that Satan was behind my nightmare and I wanted so badly to wake him up and tell him. But something in my mind was telling me not to because it's not nice to wake people up in the middle of the night and interrupt their sleep. I was feeding into this lie for about 10-15 minutes, as I sat there in bed, wondering - should I or shouldn't I.

Eventually, I got up and went to the bathroom again to wipe my tears away and came back to the living room where I woke Chris up and told him a short version of the nightmare. There was so much going through my mind and I couldn't remember every detail about the dream, so it probably sounded all jumbled up. He just listened, held me in his arms and prayed over me. My breathing came back to its normal speed and eventually I went back to my own bed. But I was still being plagued by this nightmare and how Satan used by worst fear against me in so many different levels. I sang worship songs in my head to fall back alseep which took about 45 minutes to happen. What a crazy night! I think for the next few weeks, I will only be listening to worship songs in my car.

And I thought by letting you know about this attack, it will not only unite us as friends, loved ones, and family, but also help keep you aware of the spiritual warfare that rages all around us. I pray that you are never attacked (especially like I was) and your faith and strength simply multiplies exponentially.

As I have been reminded, you will never be alone; never truly alone. God is always here and he will never leave you, nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

May/June Updates

Whew! It's been a while since I was on here! And so much has gone on since the last blog -

My computer fel and broke a week before finals. I had to purchase a new computer and then the new computer's hard drive was faulty, and I will actually get my new computer back tomorrow! Oh my!

I got to see some friends get married - Karuss and Jeremy in April, Sarah and Rob in June, and Steve and Stacy in June, as well. Three down, I think two more this season! Bring it on! (Thank goodness I'm not in the wedding party, too!)

Singapore is still crazy - we have a total of $4,012.89 left as a team balance. AND we are leaving for Singapore in 29 days. Please pray that we can get the remainder of our balance in before we depart. One of our teammembers, Akalina is also having issues with her citizenship and being able to apply for a passport. We are unsure if she will be able to come on the trip and will probably know/find out at the last minute, too. I am slightly nervous and feeling frazzled about Singapore - mainly because of the nature of my role and the leadership position I have and therefore the stress and uncertainty that comes with it. Please pray that God gives me a level head and a stress ball to cope with it all in the days to come.

My friend of mine that I have known since 3rd grade, Lauren's dad Terry passed away on Saturday night from a massive heart attack at the age of 52. The family is coping with his loss right now and trying to stay strong. Please keep the McElhatton's family in your prayers, especially for the mom, Robin.

Right now, I have a week left of summer school and then my vacation/work really starts. I need focus to whip out my paper before Monday - the past two days,I have been feeling really lazy and have not worked on it. Oh boy!

In two weeks, my twin sisters fly out from North Carolina and I am super excited to see them again! A week after that (in three weeks), my Mom, youngest sister, and brother fly out and we are going to have a massive family reunion day on the 26th of July! And not only are we having family time, it's also meet Chris time, as well. So, part of me feels nervous about them meeting each other, but the other part of me is to focused on Singapore to even care. I know that they will get along (Chris to family), but still the dynamics that my family can have with and among each other is the part that scares me the most.

And then we are flying to Singapore on July 31st. Oh my goodness!

Please keep the team in your prayers and God will work miracles like he always does!

Fire Update

So, as of today, the Summit Fire is contained and GONE! Yeah! In total, it burned 4,200 acres and damaged over 30 homes. It also lasted about 7 days. Thank God the fire was not AS big as it could have been, but it was big enough.

This past week was absolutely non-stop busy with celebrations and I am SO glad it is over! The end of the semester, a wedding, an engagement party, our six-month anniversary, and Chris' birthday. The month of May was absolutely crazy!

And praise, I start my internship next week and I am so looking forward to leading the Singapore team and furthering Calvary's ministry in Asia. And praise God, I am less nervous about leading the team and I am getting more and more excited about our departure. By the way, Jon bought our team's tickets to Singapore and he told me that the day after he had bought the tickets, the price went up $400 a piece! So praise God for the purchasing timing!

I hope you have a good weekend!

Updates, again!

Hi guys! So many things are coming up and have passed!

Here's the scoop: I just finished my last final this afternoon and I am SO excited to be done for the semester! I have 1 1/2 weeks of vacation and then summer classes start...

There was a fire today in the Santa Cruz mountains. It started about 10 miles from my cottage in the Los Gatos Hills at about 5:30 am. So far, it has burned 3,200 acres and over 10 people have lost their homes and it is only 15% contained. Corralitos Santa Cruz and Watsonville are all in danger. And because of the recent 30-40+ MPH winds have been coming and going all throughout the day, the entire fire has been influenced and guided by the heavy winds. Fortunately the winds will die down and a cooler wind will come from Canada's coast over the evening. Gilroy firefighters are getting ready to fight the fire tomorrow and possibly Saturday.

Just to let you know, we are SAFE from harm's way. Because of the direction the wind is blowing, Los Gatos and our cottage is fine. Please pray for the families that evacuated and/or have lost their homes and also for the firefighters' strength to continue fighting this rapid-spreading fire.

That's all for now!

Finals Week!

Hi guys! I'm taking some time away from studying for my philosophy test that is tomorrow. I find it quite ironic that I am taking away time from my leisure to study about the philosophies behind leisure and leisure education. Agh! What a tangeled web we weave!

Over this past weekend, I have speent so much time devoted to my take home final - I celeebrated by having Mother's day completly off of school work! Chris and I spent the entire day together. We attended South Hills Community Church - my old church (until HS)and we saw his friend Corinn and her husband Garret dedicate their youngest daughter Brynn. Afterwards, we spent some time with his Mom and came over to the cottage and spent some time with Alyssa. Then we went for a walk and took some pictures of the area near my house in the LG Hills. I love it here! Then....for dinner, we spent it with Alyssa's family and Alex with a huge BBQ dinner of tri-tip, baked potatos, grilled chicen, a yummy salad, veggies, and apple pie a la mode. It was amazing!

Anyway, I have already finished one final - a take home that was turned in yesterday. I have one final tomorrow afternoon and two on the following Wednesday and then I am done for the semester and officially have one more year left until I graduate! I can't wait!

I am also very excited because I have been planning a special day out and about for the bf that is this Saturday - I am SOOOOO excited for it. We will have a day of fun in a certain pre-determined location and then our friends Akalina and Robby will be joining us in the evening for some more fun! I can't wait for the weekend to come and then I can tell all of you about it!

In the meantime, the stress has been going down a bit. My new computer is working just fine and i am enjoying it and exploring it and finding something new everyday. I have a philosophy paper to write and some easy reading reflections to sit down and type out within a few days. Please pray for strength to get through the rest of finals week, determination to succeed in my classes, and for time management so that I can make sure I get all the things I need to accomplished.

Thanks and God bless!

so far...

So far things are going well. I had a scare this week with my laptop - I acciently dropped it screen-down. There were some tears, a lot of stress, a paper extension, and a huge, long to-do list later, I found an amazing price on a new laptop and was able to pay for the entire thing using my federal tax return! I even have $2 leftover! Oy vey! I mean, I know God has some good timing. And as the nice but crazy lady sitting next to me at the Kathy Troccoli concert last night said, "Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! Yes, Lord, praise Jesus!"

Hehehehe...

Other than that, things are going well. School is wrapping up for the semester. I have one week of vacation until summer school starts up - but it's only for six weeks, so that good.

The bf, Chris is doing well. He and my roomate's fiancee Alex and their friend Jacob signed a lease on an apartment for, I think, a year. Jacob and Alex are moving in now and Chris will be moving in when June comes around and his previous lease is over.

Please pray that the end of the semester stress does not wear me down and I can schedule my time wisely. I also need to get the internship paperwork with Calvary signed ASAP and turned in so I can start in the summer.

I am also still feeling nervous about co-leading the Singapore team. I know most of our team-members already and am enjoying the time I get to spend with the team and getting to know them better. And I know that co-leading the team with Brett is a major part of my internship, but I am still nervous about the amount of responsibility I have with this team, especially since Brett has just moved to San Diego and will be joining us for the trip. Please pray for wisdom and peace with Singapore. I have a feeling that God has a lot to teach me, and I am ready to learn.

Thank guys!

Trying this out

Hi there! So, this is the first time I have used a Blog - from what I hear, it's just kind of like a public journal-type thing. I am hoping that this way I can keep my family and friends updated on things and prayer requests. Enjoy and have a good one!